That One Time I Was a Pregnant RN During a Pandemic
Written by Molly Kuyper - BSN, RN
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My husband and I started 2020 with the long-coveted news that we were expecting a bundle of joy in August. I was out-of-my-mind excited!
December and January were full of sharing our news with our family and eager anticipation of sharing it with friends and soon meeting our sweet baby! I had no idea that I would soon be dealing with anxiety, loneliness, quarantine, and guilt over competing priorities.
In January and February, news of a new Coronavirus started circulating on my unit, but life was unchanged, and there were few thoughts that it would affect us. We began wearing masks; they gave us protective eyewear and brown paper bags to keep our simple face masks and N95's in. We made jokes about our "sack lunches," and life went on as usual.
As the East coast started surging in cases, I heard how fellow healthcare workers were strained, and entire cities were grieving financial and physical losses. Again, on my unit, it was mostly work as usual.
On my Progressive care floor, we trained on how we would involve Covid positive patients into our unit, and we continued to take care of our usual patients (DKA, post-surgical cases, GI bleeds, liver transplants, sepsis, etc). There was even a welcome lull in the spring where we had a lower census from fewer surgeries, and for a few weeks, nurses could be canceled if they wanted. And then the surge hit here.
Here is Where I Pause
It's my heartfelt responsibility and honor to say, well done fellow healthcare workers. You are my friends and colleagues across the country. Many of you have been affected much more dramatically, been struggling more intensely, and endured harsher trials than anything I have experienced.
To you, I say thank you, and I am so sorry for the stress and anxiety you continuously endure. To you, I acknowledge that you asked for none of this and yet you have risen to the occasion.
Those outside of your world have very little understanding and often little desire to understand or care. Some will read these words and think I am being dramatic. You know I am not. It has been unthinkable, unspeakable, and even as a nurse, I do not pretend to know all of your pain.
My experience has some of these themes but looks very different. I work at an incredible facility that cares so well for its workers and patients. I was kept from having to take Covid patients for the entirety of my pregnancy. Friends at other facilities did not have that luxury.
Feeling Stuck
I felt stuck between wanting to volunteer to help take care of these patients and feeling guilt over even thinking about exposing my new baby to COVID, since my greatest job was now being a mom.
I'd hear things from other nurses like, "You are so lucky to be pregnant during this."
I know nurses did not mean to hurt with those words; they were overwhelmed, exasperated and anxious about work. I do not begrudge them for their comments.
Choice Overload
I also know I did not choose to be pregnant during the Pandemic. I did not choose to work on a floor that would be saturated with this new patient population.
I had to choose the health of friends and family, choosing to quarantine during my first pregnancy. As nurses, we have had to say no to certain people and places for the comfort of others.
I definitely would never have chosen to cancel my first baby shower, but I chose that in solidarity with my teammates who were in the trenches at the time dealing with the first surge in Arizona.
My emotions competed to beat me up from both sides. At times I was assaulted with guilt and anxiety, at other times relief and excitement.
I was now near my due date, and despite not directly nursing the infected, my floor was almost 100% filled with Covid. I had patients who had false negatives or the sickest and most "heavy" patient assignments - my area was the only one left for Covid negative patients. I watched as my team of wonderful nurses was becoming strained and discouraged serving the Covid population.
Kade Arrives
Then August came around, and the internal struggle and stress were lifted as my beautiful and miraculous gift, Kade, arrived. I enjoyed three blissful months away from the grips of the Pandemic at work. I was able to gain some compassion and understanding for the non-healthcare world during this time.
I am sure nurses reading this acknowledge the anger and exasperation you felt and feel at rising numbers, as some call the Pandemic fake or an exaggeration. You add on layer after layer of PPE to protect your patients, yourselves, and your families.
You are the patient's only source of interaction and hope as the family is not allowed to come bedside. You facilitate conversations about the futility of treatment over a zoom video chat - something that was always deeply personal and an honor to be a part of, is now a sterile daily occurrence. It's impossible to only feel anger at the public; we feel let down. And I'd wager we all feel a degree of anxiety about what the future will hold since the majority are unable to perceive the reality of what it has been like to be a bedside nurse in COVID.
This still discourages me, but I found compassion for the rest of the world outside the hospital, as everyone has experienced loss and disappointment. Those who aren't on our Covid units will truly never understand what you see or do; no matter how much they tried, they could never understand, but they do know the pain of the Pandemic in their own way.
Once I came back from maternity leave, I was again shielded from taking Covid patients for two months since I was breastfeeding. In January, there was no other type of patient assignment I could take due to the rising numbers. Every floor at the hospital was a Covid floor.
New Momma - Different Nursing World
And here I am today. My floor takes patients on high flow, Bipap, and when numbers increase, ICU overflow with vents and team nursing. Every shift I have worked has had patients escalating their oxygen needs and family called to review care and code status goals. Some patients do well, but if they do improve, it's at a snail's pace. Many on our floor have died; many are dying and will not make it to hospice before they do. The patients are alone, and there is no more room at the inn. My team at work is discouraged and struggling.
Whether you are a health care worker who has seen worse than I have, a fellow mom who has encountered various challenges of new parenthood during a pandemic, or a nonessential worker who struggles to wear a mask in a grocery store, the Pandemic is draining us all.
We hoped we could contain our new struggles and disappointments to one year, but as Arizona's healthcare workers know, Covid will be impacting us for the foreseeable future.
Where then is our hope? My aim in writing this is to give a glimpse into one nurse's unique experience. Despite only having to nurse Covid patients for a few months, I, too, am now exhausted. I missed out on a new mom's passage rights, but I am healthy with a healthy baby. I am enduring a disheartening pandemic surge while working for a caring employer.
My story is one of tension, of balance in the beautiful and bitter.
Tension and Hope
Some of you reading this have lost jobs and others family members. Some of you are alone and aching for comfort. I cannot say that things will go back to normal or even get easier. And my healthcare team has not yet seen the light at the end of the tunnel, but I was able to simultaneously have the hardest year of my life while receiving my greatest gift-my son.
So I believe there can be beautiful things in store for you too. You may have to dig hard to excavate the good, but I assure you I'm right there with you doing the hard work! Let's be known for clinging to hope during the Pandemic.
For more perspective from local nurses, keep up with the EARN blog. EARN has a vision to precisely match RNs and NPs with the positions and organizations that fit your skills and personality. The right fit means everything.
👩⚕️Hi, I'm Molly; as an experienced BSN, RN in AZ, I'm excited to be a part of building a better way for RNs and NPs to be precisely matched with nursing positions that really fit them. I’m fueled by amazing coffee, being a new momma, and new adventures 🌎