Amy, Filleman, BSN, RN

Hi there! 👋🏼 We share stories from nurses like you about nursing. We are out to build a better now and better next for RN and NPs to find highly-matched work.

As nurses, we stand with patients in the best and worst moments of their lives. We get that rush of joy when a baby is born, feel the relief of a clean scan, share the excitement of a last chemo treatment. Nurses also hold hands as patients get the worst news of their lives. We sit with parents and talk them through what is happening while their child is coding. We hold the doppler on a belly and hear nothing but static. These events profoundly impact us.

Thousands of nurses worldwide are watching people die, alone, from COVID.

This is trauma. 

Nursing school is torturous and emotional, but instructors do not tell us about all the emotions we will experience in nursing.

They tell us about compassionate care, about burnout, but they do not tell us how deeply we will feel. And maybe some don't, perhaps you don't. Maybe you are one of the ones who can compartmentalize work and leave it at work. Is there a pill for that? 

For me, I have felt all the feels working in Women's Health for the last decade-plus. 

• I've been in those joyful births, my heart literally buzzing with the excitement and joy vibrating the room.

• It has been my hand on the belly when there is no heartbeat and only static.

• I have been so mad at patients that I wanted to throw things.

• I have cried in my car.

• I have dreamed about patients.

All that said, I never understood real trauma and recovery until I had to walk it out myself.

On October 1, 2017, my friends and I stood in a crowd of 22,000 people as a gunman opened fire on us from the Las Vegas hotel across the street. While we made it out with only scrapes and bruises, the mental and emotional trauma was just beginning. PTSD, panic attacks, suicidal ideation, sleepless nights, fear. All of this, and more, were part of the new path that I never expected to walk. In all reality, it was not a path I was equipped to walk. Not only did I have to find a way to take care of myself, but I was also expected to take care of others.

Work started reaching out 48 hours after the shooting, asking when I was coming back. I was scheduled to already be back in, and there was no coverage for my position. 

The first day I went back to work, 10/4/17, I sobbed in my car before I got out and had a panic attack walking into the office. My mind was not working clearly; I would be trying to triage patients and would suddenly be engulfed in flashbacks. I planned out what I would do if a gunman came into the office, where I would hide. I'd make it through a shift, wrung-out and exhausted. I would go home and get in bed for hours, get up and eat, and then go back to bed. My memory was terrible. I was not sleeping. It was a cluster. 

The best thing in those first days was a coworker getting me set up with a trauma counselor. Bless that woman who still faithfully listens and reflects, and hashes with me today.

There was more insult to this injury. When the shooting happened, I was 10 credits away from completing my BSN with plans to become a Certified Nurse Midwife (CNM). Working local midwives felt like I was finally fully alive in my nursing path! As l walked with women in pregnancy, birth, and after, I felt perfectly aligned. 

That night, I made it out with my life, but my dream died. I lost my alignment, my path, my direction— the woman I was scattered and shattered. I did not trust myself; I did not trust others; I did not trust the body. 

I was terrified to leave the house at night, and any midwife or OB nurse will tell you that nighttime is a baby's favorite time to come. I did not know how I would be with the blood and the noises associated with birth.

I somehow finished my BSN but never took the next step to CNM school. To feel like I lost who I was and who I was becoming was crushing!

They say that no one can do the work of healing but you. It doesn't matter that someone else did the hurting; only you have the power to do the hard work of healing. And, believe you me, it is work! You fight like hell every damn day, sometimes just to get out of bed. You fight for your life. But, when that fight is embraced, the other side is empowering and healing. 

So, I fought. I put in the work, put in the hours of counseling, and started to heal. I learned to set boundaries; I learned to say what I need. I learned to say no. I learned to recognize triggers and to manage them. I learned to take care of myself in new and better ways. Through healing, I started hearing and seeing patients differently. I was talking to students differently and talking about trauma and being sensitive to it. I was seeing people differently. Sex workers, sex trafficking, domestic violence, sexual and physical violence. I was seeing how trauma can change trajectory. It changed mine.

In a few months, I will apply for a psychiatric mental health nurse practitioner program. I want to work specifically with women and with trauma survivors. I want to help others who are in the hole of PTSD and grief, and trauma. Maybe EMDR, support, learning grounding techniques, having support from people who understand trauma, and safe spaces for speaking your story will make a difference for them as it did for me.

If you are a nurse in trauma and grief - and as a profession who has collectively been through hell, you probably are - maybe these are the things you need too. 

• Maybe you need safe places to tell your story. I did and still do.

• Maybe you need small grounding techniques. I have and still use them.

• Maybe you need someone to just let you pause long enough to feel past the shock and numbness. Get your people and hold them close. I would not trade my tribe for anything.

As nurses, we take care of others in various ways every time we clock in. That is why nurses are amazing! But we also must take care of ourselves. It is not selfish to address your own needs or narcissistic to speak them. Fight for yourself just like you fight for your patients! You can do it, and you are worth it! The nursing world needs the gifts you and I have, but we must be healthy enough to keep giving them.

Keep up with the EARN blog for more stories of how nurses are encouraging each other through the pandemic. EARN has a vision to precisely match RNs and NPs with the positions and organizations that fit your skills and personality. The right fit means everything.

👩🏻‍⚕️Hey all! I’m Amy, and I am a private practice triage nurse and an adjunct faculty member at a local community college. An Arizona native, I am passionate about Women's health, trauma recovery, and growth. I am so excited to be part of EARN to help nurses find their dream jobs and dismantle the nurse hiring system's horror. I am an enneagram 6W5 and love Diet Coke and tacos 🌮!